Humorous!

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=100 BGCOLOR="#CCCCFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="09a00640egdysm.jpg"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#000066" FACE="Arial" ><B>Welcome to Shefaro Borzoi and Boer Goats</B></FONT><FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT><B>    |     </B><A HREF="http://www.shefaro.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.shefaro.com"><U><B>home</B></U></A></div> <div> <B>Humorous!</B></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=200 BGCOLOR="#0000BF" TEXT="#F7F7FF"> <div> <B>LIFE IS NOT A JOURNEY TO THE GRAVE WITH THE INTENTION OF ARRIVING SAFELY IN A PRETTY AND WELL PRESERVED BODY, BUT RATHER TO SKID IN BROADSIDE, THOROUGHLY USED UP, TOTALLY WORN OUT, AND LOUDLY PROCLAIMING</B></div> <div> <B>"WOW, WHAT A RIDE!!!" </B></div> </td> <td valign="top" height=380 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <I>Humorous!</I></div> <div> <B>The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of</B><B> </B><B>Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation. In daily use, however, it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. </B></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B><IMG SRC="1938242b0.jpg" border=0 width="292" height="299" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of investigating, a special commission published the following findings: </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>*The stamp was in perfect order. </B></div> <div> <B>*There was nothing wrong with the glue/adhesive. </B></div> <div> <B>*People were spitting on the wrong side.</B><B> </B></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>*****************************</B></div> <div> <B>SHIPWRECKED</B></div> <div> <B>A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.</B></div> <div> <B>After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.</B></div> <div> <B>One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle ... a perfect night for romance.</B></div> <div> <B>As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.</B></div> <div> <B>After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.</B></div> <div> <B>A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.</B></div> <div> <B>That evening, the man introduced Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening ... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze ... perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again.</B></div> <div> <B>He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary, cautiously, and whispered in her ear ...</B></div> <div> <B>"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?" </B></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>**************************</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="193de2b00.jpg" border=0 width="482" height="688" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <I><IMG SRC="193b90250.jpg" border=0 width="400" height="293" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></I></div> <div> <I>Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, while awaiting their respective flights.</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="arial" > </FONT></div> <bR> <div> <I>One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer.</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <I>Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <I>and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <I>arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="arial" > </FONT></div> <bR> <div> <I>Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="arial" > </FONT></div> <bR> <div> <I>The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="arial" > </FONT></div> <bR> <div> <I>Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="arial" > </FONT></div> <bR> <div> <I>The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="arial" > </FONT></div> <bR> <div> <I>The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet,</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <I>but I do believe it's a-comin'."</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="arial" > </FONT></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <I><IMG SRC="17049c2a0.jpg" border=0 width="412" height="298" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></I></div> <bR> <div> <B>HILLARY CRASH SITE:</B></div> <div> <B>AP- UPI- released two hours ago. Junior Senator Hillary Clinton of New York was flying cross-country last night in her private plane and was forced to make a emergency landing in southern Texas because of bad weather. She was unhurt and the National Transportation Safety Board officials have determined that pilot error was the major cause of the accident. The accident scene pictures, including the wreckage of Hillary's plane, have been released prior to the aircraft being returned to upper New York State for major repairs. NTSB officials have also indicated that the Junior Senator was not wearing the appropriate seat belt or safety restraints, was flying in IFR conditions while only having obtained a VFR, single engine land rating, and will be cited for those violations accordingly. NTSB officials also say the absence of a post crash fire was due to the lack of sufficient fuel on board to sustain flight. There were no on ground fatalities.</B></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <IMG SRC="130f902c0.jpg" border=0 width="400" height="300" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> <B>Imagine that you are a bush pilot in Africa. You fly-in some critical medical supplies and enjoy a quick lunch at the hospital. You are eager to get to your next appointment. It's a stifling 100 degrees in the shade. </B></div> <div> <B>You return to your plane to find that the only piece of shade around has become very popular, in your absence. </B></div> <div> <B>You start calculating the distance to the plane door.... </B></div> <div> <B>Whad'ya say? Feeling lucky today? </B></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <IMG SRC="1311f4650.jpg" border=0 width="500" height="357" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C., and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, sailing on the Presidential yacht, the Sequoia.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000080" FACE="Comic Sans MS" > </FONT></div> <bR> <div> They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. Secret Service guys start to launch a boat, but President Bush waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."</div> <bR> <div> Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard.</div> <bR> <div> He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.</div> <bR> <div> The next morning, the<U> Headlines</U> in New York Times, Boston Globe, Boston Herald, Buffalo News, Milwaukee Sentinel-Journal, Minneapolis Tribune, Washington Post, Denver Post, Albuquerque Journal, Los Angeles Times and San Francisco Chronicle proclaim:</div> <bR> <div> "Bush Can't Swim."</div> <bR> <div> <B>Ladies of days gone by: </B></div> <div> <B>If a lady accidentally over-salts a dish while it's still cooking, she can drop in a peeled potato and it absorbs the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up." </B></div> <div> <B>Women of today: </B></div> <div> <B>If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I really don't care whether you like it or not." </B></div> <div> <B>---------------------- </B></div> <div> <B>Ladies of days gone by: </B></div> <div> <B>Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. </B></div> <div> <B>Women of today: </B></div> <div> <B>Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares? </B></div> <div> <B>--------------------- </B></div> <div> <B>Ladies of days gone by: </B></div> <div> <B>Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. </B></div> <div> <B>Women of today: </B></div> <div> <B>Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway. </B></div> <div> <B>--------------------- </B></div> <div> <B>Ladies of days gone by: </B></div> <div> <B>To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. </B></div> <div> <B>Women of today: </B></div> <div> <B>Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. </B></div> <div> <B>-------------------- </B></div> <div> <B>Ladies of days gone by: </B></div> <div> <B>When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. </B></div> <div> <B>-------------------- </B></div> <div> <B>Women of today: </B></div> <div> <B>Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you. </B></div> <div> <B>------------------- </B></div> <div> <B>Ladies of days gone by: </B></div> <div> <B>Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. </B></div> <div> <B>Women of today: </B></div> <div> <B>Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it. </B></div> <div> <B>--------------------- </B></div> <div> <B>Ladies of days gone by: </B></div> <div> <B>If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy. </B></div> <div> <B>Women of today: </B></div> <div> <B>Go ask the cute neighbor guy to do it. </B></div> <div> <B>-------------------- </B></div> <div> <B>And finally the most important tip.... </B></div> <div> <B>Ladies of days gone by: </B></div> <div> <B>Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. </B></div> <div> <B>Women of today: </B></div> <div> <B>Leftover wine?</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" >? </FONT></div> <bR> <div> IT IS SELDOM THAT WE CAN FIND ANY GOOD NEWS ANYMORE.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> WHEN I SAW THIS INFORMATION I REALIZED IT WAS GOOD AND </div> <div> EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>IMPORTANT HEALTH INFORMATION</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life </div> <div> of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need </div> <div> grain?<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, a green leafy<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> vegetable.And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> allowance of vegetable slop.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we </div> <div> all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> animal or mineral, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice:<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your vegetables.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.,<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>program?</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>Q: Is chocolate bad for me?</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans .. another vegetable!!! "It's<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> the best feel-good food around!"<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>food and diets. Have a cookie...</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>One more thing... "When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt."</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <IMG SRC="174a2a120.jpg" border=0 width="298" height="274" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="1" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="616" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="VOID" RULES="NONE" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=CENTER COLSPAN=3 HEIGHT= 19 WIDTH="608"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="19" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="608" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP COLSPAN=3 HEIGHT= 2090 WIDTH="608"><div> <B>Quotes only from the smartest people!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue . . ."No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."</B></div> <div> <B>~Eleanor Roosevelt</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister . . . and now wish to withdraw that statement.</B></div> <div> <B>~Mark Twain</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.</B></div> <div> <B>~George Burns</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year.</B></div> <div> <B>~Victor Borge</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.</B></div> <div> <B>~Mark Twain</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.</B></div> <div> <B>~Socrates</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.</B></div> <div> <B>~Groucho Marx</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.</B></div> <div> <B>~Jimmy Durante</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.</B></div> <div> <B>~Jilly Cooper</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.</B></div> <div> <B>~Zsa Zsa Gabor</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Only Irish coffee provides in a single cup all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.</B></div> <div> <B>~Alex Levine</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.</B></div> <div> <B>The world owes you nothing. It was here first.</B></div> <div> <B>~Mark Twain</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.</B></div> <div> <B>~Ed Furgol</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.</B></div> <div> <B>~Spike Milligan</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.</B></div> <div> <B>~Henny Youngman</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I am opposed to millionaires........but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.</B></div> <div> <B>~Mark Twain</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.</B></div> <div> <B>~Joe Namath</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.</B></div> <div> <B>~Herbert Henry Asquith</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.</B></div> <div> <B>Then it's time for my nap.</B></div> <div> <B>~Bob Hope</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.</B></div> <div> <B>~W.C. Fields</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.</B></div> <div> <B>~W.C. Fields</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>It takes only one drink to get me drunk.....the trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.</B></div> <div> <B>~George Burns</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.</B></div> <div> <B>~Will Rogers</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Don't worry about avoiding temptation .. As you grow older it avoids you.</B></div> <div> <B>~Winston Churchill</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or to spread out.</B></div> <div> <B>~Phyllis Diller</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.</B></div> <div> <B>~Unknown</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.</B></div> <div> <B>~Billy Crystal </B></div> <bR> <div> <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Arial" ><B>Everything I need to know about life, I learned from</B> Noah's Ark </FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF0000" FACE="Arial" ><U>One</U></FONT>: Don't miss the boat. <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF0000" FACE="Arial" ><U>Two</U></FONT>: Remember that we are all in the same boat. <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF0000" FACE="Arial" ><U>Three</U></FONT>: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF0000" FACE="Arial" ><U>Four</U></FONT>: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big. <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF0000" FACE="Arial" ><U>Five</U></FONT>: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done. <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF0000" FACE="Arial" ><U>Six</U></FONT>: Build your future on high ground. <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF0000" FACE="Arial" ><U>Seven</U></FONT>: For safety's sake, travel in pairs. <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF0000" FACE="Arial" ><U>Eight</U></FONT>: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF0000" FACE="Arial" ><U>Nine</U></FONT>: When you're stressed, float a while. <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF0000" FACE="Arial" ><U>Ten</U></FONT>: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals. <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF0000" FACE="Arial" ><U>Eleven</U></FONT>: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting...Pass <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Arial" >this</FONT> along and make someone else smile, too.<FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Verdana" > </FONT></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <I><B>The woodpecker may have to go! </B></I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=CENTER HEIGHT= 419 ><NOBR><div> <IMG SRC="1930269d0.jpg" border=0 width="550" height="413" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> </NOBR></tD> <tD VALIGN=BOTTOM WIDTH="7"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="419" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="7" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=BOTTOM WIDTH="8"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="419" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="8" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=CENTER HEIGHT= 19 WIDTH="591"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="19" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="591" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=BOTTOM COLSPAN=2 WIDTH="16"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="19" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="16" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>ONLY IN TEXAS! </B></div> <div> <IMG SRC="1933f4200.jpg" border=0 width="500" height="288" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> <B>ONLY IN AMERICA! </B></div> <div> <IMG SRC="1935f44f0.jpg" border=0 width="500" height="335" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> <B>Republican vs. Democrat</B></div> <div> <IMG SRC="1937f4980.jpg" border=0 width="500" height="1176" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> WHITE LIE CHURCH CAKE</div> <div> Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this -- especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.</div> <bR> <div> Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.</div> <bR> <div> She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.</div> <bR> <div> But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured.</div> <bR> <div> She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends.</div> <bR> <div> So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!</div> <bR> <div> Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.</div> <bR> <div> When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold.</div> <bR> <div> Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Alice was horrified ...she was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think?</div> <bR> <div> Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed.</div> <bR> <div> All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.</div> <bR> <div> The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attended the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.</div> <bR> <div> The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South....and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert. Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started, out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"</div> <bR> <div> Alice, who was still stunned ,sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, Thank you, I baked it myself."</div> <bR> <div> Alice smiled and thought to herself, "There is a God".<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> ***************************************</div> <div> <IMG SRC="1939e06f0.gif" border=0 width="480" height="367" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> <B>Did you know that.....</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <bR> <div> <I><B>If you can start the day without caffeine,</B></I><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Verdana" ><I><B> </B></I></FONT></div> <div> <I><B>If you can get going without pep pills,</B></I><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Verdana" ><I><B> </B></I></FONT></div> <div> <I><B>If you can always be cheerful,</B></I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Arial" ><I><B> </B></I></FONT><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Verdana" ><I><B>ignoring aches and pains,</B></I></FONT><I><B> </B></I></div> <div> <I><B>If you can resist complaining and</B></I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Verdana" ><I><B> </B></I></FONT><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Verdana" ><I><B>boring people with your troubles,</B></I></FONT><I><B> </B></I></div> <div> <I><B>If you can eat the same food every</B></I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Arial" ><I><B> </B></I></FONT><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Verdana" ><I><B>day and be grateful for it,</B></I></FONT><I><B> </B></I></div> <div> <I><B>If you can understand when your loved</B></I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Verdana" ><I><B> </B></I></FONT><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Verdana" ><I><B>ones are too busy to give you any time,</B></I></FONT><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Verdana" ><I><B> </B></I></FONT></div> <div> <I><B>If you can take criticism and</B></I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Verdana" ><I><B> </B></I></FONT><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Verdana" ><I><B>without resentment,</B></I></FONT><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Verdana" ><I><B> </B></I></FONT></div> <div> <I><B>If you can ignore a friend's limited</B></I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Verdana" ><I><B> </B></I></FONT><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Verdana" ><I><B>education and never correct him,</B></I></FONT><I><B> </B></I></div> <div> <I><B>If you can resist treating a rich friend</B></I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Verdana" ><I><B> </B></I></FONT><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Verdana" ><I><B>better than a poor friend,</B></I></FONT><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Verdana" ><I><B> </B></I></FONT></div> <div> <I><B>If you can conquer tension</B></I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Verdana" ><I><B> </B></I></FONT><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Verdana" ><I><B>without medical help,</B></I></FONT></div> <div> <I><B>If you can relax without liquor,</B></I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Verdana" ><I><B> </B></I></FONT></div> <div> <I><B>If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,</B></I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Arial" ><I><B> </B></I></FONT></div> <bR> <div> <I><B>...Then You Are Probably</B></I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Verdana" ><I><B> </B></I></FONT><I><B>The Family Dog!</B></I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Arial" ><I><B> </B></I></FONT></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> ***************************************</div> <div> <B>A Lady liberal...</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A Lady liberal wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining </B></div> <div> <B>about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in </B></div> <div> <B>Guantanamo Bay. She received back the following reply: </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The White House </B></div> <div> <B>1600 Pennsylvania Avenue</B></div> <div> <B>Washington, D.C. 20016</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Dear Concerned Citizen,</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment </B></div> <div> <B>of the Taliban and Al Quada detainees currently being held at </B></div> <div> <B>Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.  Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens </B></div> <div> <B>like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist </B></div> <div> <B>Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for </B></div> <div> <B>Killers" program, or LARK for short.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have </B></div> <div> <B>decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal </B></div> <div> <B>detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation</B></div> <div> <B>under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is </B></div> <div> <B>to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded </B></div> <div> <B>in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire </B></div> <div> <B>some assistant caretakers.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of </B></div> <div> <B>care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended </B></div> <div> <B>in your letter.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that </B></div> <div> <B>your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will </B></div> <div> <B>help him overcome these character flaws.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere </B></div> <div> <B>cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and </B></div> <div> <B>home schooling.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand </B></div> <div> <B>combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or </B></div> <div> <B>nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these </B></div> <div> <B>skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety </B></div> <div> <B>of explosive devices from common</B></div> <div> <B>household products, so you may wish </B></div> <div> <B>to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend </B></div> <div> <B>him.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except</B></div> <div> <B>sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property. </B></div> <div> <B>This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to </B></div> <div> <B>show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new </B></div> <div> <B>dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka </B></div> <div> <B>over time.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and </B></div> <div> <B>his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks </B></div> <div> <B>like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take e good </B></div> <div> <B>care of Ahmed - and remember. we'll be watching.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Good luck!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Cordially, your friend,</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Don Rumsfeld</B></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> ***************************************</div> <div> <I><B><U>How The Stock Market Works</U></B></I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> It was autumn, and the American Indians on the remote reservation asked their new chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an American Indian in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the weather was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. </div> <div> But, also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to a phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" </div> <div> "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the Weather Service responded. </div> <div> So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. </div> <div> A week later, he called The National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" </div> <div> "Yes," the man at the National Weather Service again replied. "It's definitely going to be a very cold winter." </div> <div> The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. </div> <div> Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again, "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" </div> <div> "Absolutely! " the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever!" </div> <div> "How can you be so sure?" the chief asked. </div> <div> The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!" </div> <div> This is how the stock market works... </div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>